im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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