Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
