he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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