I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
