Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
