now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Randomize
