Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
