I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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