my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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