i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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