Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
