are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
