and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
