I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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