There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Randomize
