I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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