you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
