i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
