He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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