I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
