And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
