I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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