my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
