I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize