glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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