My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
