too bad you live with your parents still
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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