I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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