Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Houston, we have a squirter
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Can you bring me the toilet please
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize