Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
