so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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