oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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