sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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