He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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