sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
