Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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