and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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