Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So many bounce houses so little time
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
