walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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