and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
