I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Pants are for mortals
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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