if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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