I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
