This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
