I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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