i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
