That's intense
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
