I'm so fucking centered right now
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
