just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
