Can i not drive my cunt home
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
