EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So much rum. So many feels.
I can't turn off my feet"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize