Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
