when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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