i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
