We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
