you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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