Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
